“Hey, Johnson!” he called across the hallway to his partner. Em Johnson appeared at Hawke’s doorway, carrying the juggling balls that he had been working with all week.
“Yes?” The thin, blonde mage’s wry smile said that even he was having a hard time keeping himself entertained.
“Anything new?”
“Well, I can do this now.” The mage moved into the room and started juggling, showing off the spells he had been perfecting. The balls changed color and number as he juggled, and he had as many as eight glowing orbs circling in his hands at a time. “Watch, this is new,” he said, and furrowed his brow in concentration. Suddenly one of his items was a kitchen pot and another was a heavy knife.
Hawke raised an eyebrow. “Kitchen utensils?”
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4 comments:
not sure how much feedback you want, or if you want grammar related, or just overall concept... :) But I don't like this sentence. Haven't quite figured out why yet. "As he juggled the balls changed color and number, and he had as many as eight glowing orbs circling in his hands at a time. "
Thanks! I love feedback and correction. This is like a giant beta read.
Does this help? "The balls changed color and number as he juggled, and he had as many as eight glowing orbs circling in his hands at a time. " I'll change it in the main text as well. It does keep one from tripping awkwardly through the sentence.
hmmm.. it's still a little awkward I think, I keep picturing numbers on each ball changing, not the total number of balls. Which, I admit, could just be me. This is a lot better than the other one, smoother. If you don't mind increasing the word count a bit, you could change it from telling the balls changed, to a brief paragraph that shows them changing. "While he juggled, the number of balls in the air changed with each fling of his wrist. At one point there were even eight flying through the air. All the while they flickered through the spectrum, from red to blue to yellow. With a final flourish Em snatched each glowing ball from the air, leaving only the three he started with." ---- I mean, you don't have to. I don't know how important juggling is. But I was always taught to show instead of tell whenever possible.
Thanks! I don't want to steal your words, these guys are mages not thieves, so will contemplate your advice and come up with some better description. But it is pretty typical for my first draft to read like a screen play and then I have to go in and W-O-R-K at doing all the descriptive things. (Sadly, what you are reading is already after some work. You can tell because there isn't just dialog.)
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